[Insert clichéd line about being in a coma or generally out of touch with sports media] then you probably know that there’s been quite a shakeup in the NFL this past week. As soon as the new collective bargaining agreement was ratified, NFL owners made a mad dash to sign free agents that had been waiting months for a new team, as well as recently released players who weren’t worth the paper their multi-million dollar checks were written on. There was also some major trade action, with many teams upgrading their sorry ass rosters, so that their owners have an excuse to fire their coaches after they produce another 4-12 season. A roundup of the highlights, followed by some sardonic commentary on their brilliance (there will also be a “short” section on the Eagles’ moves, so feel free to commit every word to memory for future reference). I’ll start with the most important of them all:
This week, the Dolphins traded for the greatest-player-to-ever-concede-their-Heisman-trophy-because-of-their-NCAA-violations, Reggie Bush. A perennial starting punt-returner, third down back, and generally overpaid symbol of collegiate over-achievement, Reggie Bush looks to add depth to a team whose running back rotation consists of a 230 pound yoga instructor and a player who can arguably throw the ball better than Chad Henne. Look for Reggie Bush to make many appearances at Miami’s nightclubs with his Kim-Kardashian-clone girlfriend and the Heat’s Big Three. Miami sports never looked so promising. In terms of on the field impact, I’ve heard that Sun Life stadium has the most accommodating sidelines in terms of running out of bounds.
Let’s talk Bill Belichick (if you don’t hear from me after this post is published, I’m locked in a cell somewhere under the Patriots training facility being forced to cut hundreds of sleeves off of Patriots sweatshirts). We all know the man is a coaching genius, so I’m really curious to see how he utilizes the recently acquired diva-formerly-know-as-Chad-Johnson. We don’t really need to discuss Albert Haynesworth, because Belichick is determining the starting nose tackle position based on an eating contest to the death, in which Vince Wilfork eithers consumes or is consumed by the hundred million dollar man. The results won’t be pretty. Here’s the promo poster for the Patriots upcoming season:
Let’s move on to the actual free agent signings. Can we all have #amomentofsilence for the surely soon-to-be-fired Panthers front office paper pusher who accidentally added an extra zero to Charles Johnson’s contract. $72 million with $32 million guaranteed for having one solid 10+ sack year. DeAngelo Williams got a five year deal with $21 million guaranteed despite the fact that he’s set to hit the dubious age of 30 in two seasons. Jesus, they’re getting desperate down in Charlotte. And now #aroundofapplause for some positive PR Mark Sanchez got this week by suggesting that he’ll restructure his contract to resign Santonio Holmes. What a great team player he is.Translation: “Holy Shit, if we don’t get Santonio back the fans will realize I’m not simply a mediocre quarterback, but one that is unworthy of a starting job in the NFL!” Womp womp womp. Sanchize? More like Sanchdies… or like Sanchloser… maybe even Sanchsucks? You get the picture.
Now I have mad love for Sidney Rice, because I love tall, physical receivers. But come on man, don’t go chasing the money. Seattle’s QB depth chart reads like a list of players that have already left the NFL. I can already imagine Pete Carroll’s pep talk in the locker room before the season opener: “Alright, the coin toss is gonna determine who has ball first, but we’re also gonna use it figure out who has the displeasure of starting at quarterback today. Charlie, you’re heads, Matt, you’re tails, Tavaris, we cut you three weeks ago. Don’t make me call security again.”
I love the Texans signing of Johnathan Joseph. Look for them to be a playoff team this year. What I don’t like, is the fact that the Bengals won’t be a team in five years if they continue at this rate. Carson Palmer, retiring. Jordan Palmer, Carson’s sister. Dan Lefevour, possibly Canadian. Bruce Gradkowski, seriously no fucking comment. Andy Dalton, ginger extraordinaire. T.O. is gone, Ochocinco is gone, and you’re starting WR’s are a rookie, and second year white boy. Cedric Benson just got arrested for assaulting a family member. Actually running out of decent players on this team that I can name. Unless Leon Hall and Rey Maualuga can start all 11 positions at once on defense, this team is S.O.L.
Kyle Orton, make like a tree, and get removed from your habitat because no one appreciates your beauty and won’t realize what a mistake they’ve made when you’re all gone for good (for all our tree-hugger readers out there, it’s why we don’t publish our stuff on paper! And because it would end up as the blanket du jour for Philly’s homeless. Disclaimer: homeless jokes are not even close to being funny as this is a serious hardship that many people like Vanilla Ice have to face on a daily basis). Excuse me, while I turn my political correctness level back up from intolerable to plain-old-douchebag.
And for the grand finale focus on the free-agent week winner.
If the Eagles can hold onto Asante Samuels, they could have, possibly, the greatest, most stupendous, awesomest, ballerest, first-named trio of cornerbacks in history. Asante, Dominique, Nnamdi. Say that five times fast. Now look up and make awkwardly extended eye contact with whomever may be staring at you funny. But in all seriousness, the sky’s the limit in terms of how creative Andy Reid’s coaching staff can get with this level of talent in this secondary. I keep hearing about how Asante’s playing style doesn’t mesh with Nnamdi and DRC’s but I don’t think that’s completely correct. We all know Asante loves to play off cover, but he can also play man with the best of them. And that’s not to say that the Eagles can’t utilize a zone-man scheme for separate sides of the field. Nnamdi is talented enough where he could play out on an island, and Asante does his own thing in off cover. It would also confuse the hell out of quarterbacks like Eli Manning and yeah… that guy… who starts for the Redskins?
The talk about moving one of the players to safety is nonsense. All three of them are some of the worst tackling d-backs in the league, see here. The point of a safety is to be the last line of defense, not to whiff on tackles so opposing players can walk into the end zone. A man scheme could work provided DRC can improve upon his play from this past year. He let up at least six touchdowns and gave up on multiple critical plays. That’s why the Eagles should keep Asante as insurance to make sure that DRC competes for the starting job and continues to grow as a young player. The addition of Jason Babin would be unnoteworthy to me if it weren’t for the fact that Reid poached the Titans defensive line coach Jim Washburn. This is the same coach that got the most out of “The Blob” himself when he had his Pro Bowl seasons as a DT. It’s clear that Washburn gets the most out of his D-Linemen, so I’m excited to see what he can do for the Eagles, especially for Mike Patterson and Brodrick Bunkley.
Clutch McGutch, signing off.