Watching the last two Stanley Cup games and rooting for the Canucks is like playing with my NHL ’11 “Be A Pro” player. Karel Patzold (don’t ask me why…it wouldn’t let me change his fucking name) was a beast in the CHL, averaging like 3 points a game for 5 games. So naturally he gets drafted like 3rd overall. To the Ducks. 87 overall team rank? That’s bullshit. [Disclaimer: The following relates to virtual reality only.]
Ryan Getzlaf is the center Patzold replaced on the first line, and good fucking thing too. This guy is terrible whenever my line isn’t in. He, and the rest of my teammates have two offensive settings: “be a showoff” and “be a bitch.” Every time I get back in the game, I have to mash the D-pad to get it back to “standard” before the friggin’ Blue Jackets score on me.
And I’ve never seen a goalie worse than Jonas Hiller (at least until Luongo made it to the Stanley Cup). You can tell this guy’s from Switzerland, too. If the other team gets more than two shots on goal, Hiller just stands up and goes “fuck it.” You can actually hear him say it too, I think they programmed it into the game. I can’t imagine what he would do if he played the German national team…
There was one positive thing about being the Ducks: There was an unlockable jersey. YES! Mighty Ducks throwback! #dontstopgetitgetit. I scour the website to find out how to unlock it. Oh, wait. It’s just the alternate jersey from this season? I’ve lost all hope.
Step your game up Canucks!